Sing Louder!

John Carneys 101 tips for living

• You should never have to match your socks, other than to separate black from white; buy 18 pairs of identical socks in each color and throw them all out every six months.
• Pants with pleats get cuffs; pants without, do not.
• Avoid large faced watches if you have thin wrists.
• Sunglasses may only be worn indoors after 1 a.m.
• Carry around those small bottles of hand sanitizer and use some before you eat.
• Business casual was invented to prevent younger people from dressing better than their bosses. Rebel and wear a suit or jeans.
• If you need to put stuff in your hair to add shine or hold, you are washing your hair too often.
• Yes, you do have to floss.
• If you are handling a small baggy in a bathroom stall, face away from the open toilet and you will never drop it in there.
• When a friend calls after a drunken night, never say, “You were so funny.”
• Avoid staying out past midnight three nights in a row.
• You can ignore the three-night rule if something really good comes up on the third night.
• You will regret your tattoos.
• If you wear a baseball cap in bars, the girls will suspect you are bald.
• Go to more baseball games.
• Time is too short to do your own laundry.
• When the bartender asks, you should already know what you are ordering.
• Learn how to speak before groups.
• An undershirt will prevent you from perspiring through your overshirt.
• Yes, you do have to go to the gym.
• Complaining about other people smoking makes you an ass.
• Stop talking about where you went to college.
• When people don’t invite you to parties, you really shouldn’t go.
• Sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
• You can ignore those rules about parties if it is a really, really good party.
• Drink plenty of coffee.
• People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
• When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
• Tip more than you should.
• If a book is too big to carry around comfortably, cut it up and carry the pages you can read.
• Yes, you do have to have your shoes shined.
• It’s okay to arrive late.
• You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.
• Do not spend very much money on sunglasses or umbrellas. You will lose them quickly.
• Do thirty-push ups before you shower each morning.
• Eat brunch with friends every other weekend.
• Be a regular at a bar.
• Read more. And not just biographies.
• If her friends hate you, it’s over.
• A glass of wine with lunch will not ruin your day.
• It’s better if old men cut your hair. They should charge less than $20.
• If you smoke pot, you probably smoke too much.
• Learn how to fly-fish.
• Ask for a salad instead of fries.
• Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them. Ask someone for an introduction.
• You cannot always make amends with people.
• Buy furniture that you think is too small for your apartment. It isn’t.
• Cobblers will save your shoes.
• Figure out what kind of knot you like in your ties and stick with it.
• The first round of drinks is on you.
• When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
• Hang your clothes up when you take them off.
• Except sweaters. Those get folded.
• Piercings are liabilities in fights.
• You’ll regret much more the things you didn’t do than the things you did.
• Do not buy the product insurance.
  Except for mobile phones. Always insure the phone.
• Celebrate mothers on Father’s Day, and fathers on Mother’s Day.
• You may remove your jacket and roll up your sleeves. The tie may not be loosened.
• It’s not that you’re unphotogenic. That’s just how you look.
• Do not use an electric razor.
• Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
• Keep rugs and carpets to a minimum.
• Carry a pocket knife.
• Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
• Subscribe to a small-circulation magazine.
• It should have a cork-screw. The knife. Not the magazine.
• One girlfriend is probably enough.
• After one day of hanging, your tie should be rolled and placed in a drawer.
• People will dance if the music is loud enough and the lights are dim enough. You should too.
• Throw parties. But don’t clean up during or after your party. Hire someone else to come do that the next day, which you’ll be spending somewhere else.
• You may only request one song from the DJ.
• Take pictures. One day it will be fun to laugh at them.
• When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them.
• And spend money to acquire their work.
• Sleep outdoors when you can.
• Your clothes do not match. They go together.
• Yes, you do have to buy her dinner.
• Staying angry is a waste of energy.
• Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
• Go to the theater.
• Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
• Ask cab drivers not to speak on the phone.
• When the bouncer says it’s time for you to leave, it is.
• Do not make a second date while you are still on your first.
• Avoid the “last” glass of whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
• If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid very loud clubs.
• Drink outdoors.
• Drink during the day.
• Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
• If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
• You should probably walk away anyway.
• See more bands than you have been recently.
• You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
• Place-dropping is worse than name dropping.
• The New Yorker is not a high-brow magazine.
• You aren’t really a great DJ. Those people are dancing because they are drunk.
• Don’t let that discourage you. If they’re having fun, you are doing your job.
• If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
• No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
• Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can eat at the bar.
• Get out of the city every now and then.
• The parties you miss won’t miss you. And you won’t really miss them either.
• Never date an ex of your friend.

Best Damn Tee Shirts EVER!!!

Cougar Hunter...Thats funny. I'm get 'in dat. Oh, and Americas Hat? Yeah, luvin it like McLuvin.

DixieLand Delight Tour...The DDT

Dixeland Delight is the story of sports columnist and lifelong UT fan, Clay Travis, who visited all 12 SEC stadiums in the fall of 2006 to truly experience, understand and appreciate college football in the South. The result is an entertaing and if I dare say, even enlightening look at the South, it's football, and its history. Hell you may even learn something useful, like say that Mississippi State fans love their cowbells, or that Auburn tailgaters offer moonshine, and according to Jamie, that Georgia co-eds have fake boobs. Clay’s travels meander over nine southern states, he's smart...a Vanderbilt Law School alum, but he's also funny as hell. Remember, this is a guy who a few years ago went on a pudding-only diet in protest of the NFL not televising games in the US Virgin Islands. His writing style is witty but not pretentious, and he's got an assload of knowledge of SEC football. SEC or not, if you call yourself a fan, pick up a copy of "Dixieland Delight" today.

"Travis grew up a University of Tennessee football fan, and it was clear early on he would remain one for his entire life. That's typical in the Southeastern Conference, where football on Saturdays is about as natural as butter on toast. Travis takes us with him as he chronicles the 2006 season on the SEC bandwagon. Armed with only a copy of the Volunteers' 12-game schedule, he follows the team's path, determined to wing it when it comes to finding game tickets and places to sleep along the way. Travis coins his journey the DDT (Dixieland Delight Tour) and records his impressions one week at time. Summing up his more than 8,000 miles of road traveled, Travis shares his "Lessons from the DDT," 18 nuggets of wisdom such as "No matter what fan base you're a part of, at least 15 percent of your fans suck. Really suck." There's plenty of football in these pages, but it's the irreverent attitude and willingness to make fun of one's own obsessions that give the account its zip." Wilkens, Mary Frances

The Crescent Recommends the 03 Merlot

I’m often asked my opinion on the mundane. What I think of this or how I feel about that…as if my judgment actually comes from some sort of rational thought. Sometimes the query is for an introspective contemplation on topics of a much deeper nature; politics, social injustice, or perhaps even religion. I rarely indulge...preferring instead to stick with self reflections no deeper than that of my favorite pop-tart flavor. It doesn’t mean that I’m shallow. To the contrary; In fact, I think you can learn equally as much about a personality by studying ones obscenely ordinary preferences. Equally as much as, lets say...watching one stumble to cohesively articulate a much less mundane political view. With that, I’ve compiled a list of completely trivial things I’m currently very high on and thus fully recommend...

Wilco
I thoroughly enjoy the Sky Blue Sky release. I wish I could play guitar.

The best of Craig’s list.
Absolutely hysterical shit. If you find yourself in need of a good laugh, and you will, there’s no better pick-me-up than the best of Craigslist.

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
A true American masterpiece. I have heard that Hollywood has been trying to adapt the Pulitzer Prize winning novel into a movie since the early 1980’s. I hope that Toole’s curse will hold out so that the literary version won’t be tarnished by the likes of Will Ferrell.

Andolinies Pizza. Period.

Betts Brand Super Pro Cast Nets
The best there is, designed by master craftsmen. This isn't your Wal-Mart variety castnet. Cast like a Frisbee, open it every time, sinks like a rock.

Blanton’s Single Barrel Kentucky Bourbon
Pricey but not pretentious. Smmmooothh, but please…no soda. Ice or water only.

Winter Reds in the Wando, North of Denton’s Shipyard
Nothing like pulling in a half dozen or so double deuces on cut mullet to get your blood pumping.

Charmin with Aloe.
No cheap shit tickets. I’ve reached a point in my life where I can splurge a little. It’s not like the stuff is gold plated, but it makes a difference that I’m willing to pay extra for.

The Triangle in Avondale.
Mmmmmmmm. Great for brunch on Sunday. Try the French toast, its awesome…best Bloody Marys off the peninsula or you can express your gayness with the bottomless mimosas for $10 with an entree.

Amy Sedaris
I loved her in "Strangers with Candy", but the bootleg you-tubage featuring her "I like You" book tour is insane. Her brother David’s not bad either. I read "Me talk pretty one day" while on the plane to Jacksonville. I enjoyed it, but felt awkwardly insecure reading it in public. I folded the cover around toward the inside. Funny thing…I liked it so much I did one of those "if you like David Sedaris you'll love so and so" searches on Google. I found Augusten Burroughs' "Running with scissors". Also uncomfortably gay. Better to just tear the damn cover off of that one.

Zaxbys
The grilled chicken sandwich meal is an excellent bargain at $4.99 plus tax. Swap the honey mustard for Zax sauce though. It’s on the weekday lunch rounds. Makes a good Tuesday or Wednesday.

Scrabble.
I love scrabble. I use to play the venerable board game with my mother when I was younger. I learned the art of placing the "q" on the triple letter score square at an early age. I rediscovered scrabble over a bottle of good bourbon with my wife a few years ago. We were staying at the beach. The weather had turned bad. The power was out and all we had were the paperbacks and board games that filled the built-ins of our rental; remnants from the many years of past guest. We set up shop and played by candlelight on the screened porch. The wind that was whipped up by the late afternoon thunderstorm rattled the overgrown myrtles shading the property and made the experience that much more memorable. We still play scrabble when it rains.

End of an Era

The venerable Bob Barker is calling it quits as the host of the Price is Right after thirty five years presiding over the showcase showdown. At eighty two, Barker reportedly said he wanted to "retire while he was still young". I have fond memories of the Price is Right, not necessarily the show itself, but all that it represented; that nostalgia of the seventies. If the Price is Right was on, you were either A: Out of School for some reason or B: On Summer Break. I remember when he finally decided to embrace his age and quit dying his hair that Ricky Riccardo Black. I remember all those Cal state college girls bouncing down the aisle as the next contestant on the Price is Right. They always won the T-Topped Monte Carlo, because who knew the price of LaChoy Ramein Noodles better than a college student? Ahhh. Good Times. God's Speed Bob.

I aint afraid of no monsters

glumbert.com - 3-year-old trash-talks monsters

Latest from Hollyweird

Apparently yet another 'celebrity' has proven without a shadow of doubt that the land of glam is truly out of touch with reality. Listen to Alec Baldwin's absolutely disturbing rant left on his eleven year old daughter's voice mail. I think they will be postponing that family vacation to the Neverland ranch this year. Unbelievable. I never liked the Baldwins anyway, now I have a legitimate reason to despise at least one of them.

The Forboding Toga Party

"The following story, too, is told by many. A certain seer warned Caesar to be on his guard against a great peril on the day of the month of March which the Romans call the Ides; and when the day had come and Caesar was on his way to the senate-house, he greeted the seer with a jest and said: "Well, the Ides of March are come," and the seer said to him softly: "Ay, they are come, but they are not gone." -- Plutarch

It seems that on this day in 44 BC, Julius Caesar's posse of homeys whacked him while he had his back turned. He was said to have been warned to "beware of the ides of March", or March 15th. Incidentally, the Latin term "Kalendrium" means "account book", and the shortened version "Kalend" (from which our term "calender" is derived), was used by the Romans to denote the first day of the Month... because just as it is a couple of thousand years later, that's when the bills are due. What? No grace period???

Mom coaches kids to act retarded...

I ran across this earlier this morning....
Wait a minute now...I think I know this woman....
According to the Associated Press, Rosie Costello, 46, of Tacoma Washington, admitted in U.S. District Court that she collected more than $280,000 in benefits, mostly from Social Security. Apparently, the oldest son, now in his twenty's, was caught on court video surveillance successfully and rather articulately arguing his way out of a traffic ticket... and I have a hard enough time convincing people that my kids are actually normal.

No, Wait... This is my new favorite toy....

I really have to get one of these...Its a usb pole dancer. The guy in the cube across from me has a usb foam missle launcher. It comes with software that allows the operator to rotate and aim the missle launcher in 360 degrees. Once on target, you can fire away. And they think blogging is a waste of company resources....

Go straight to the mammal...

If you're anything like me, you HATE automated phone directories..."press one to piss off" A few months ago I purchased plane tickets online, but unfortunately had to call Delta when a problem arose with my flight. After fumbling around on Delta's stupid touch-tone customer service auto-pilot, I was finally put through to "hajji" who, incidentally, claimed his name was "Steve". I was frustrated and a just a little short with Steve. I asked for, as President Bush would say, a "merican". Reluctantly, and as if I had publicly flogged him, hajji connected me to my 'merican customer service representative in good ole Atlanta, GA, just as I requested. But now there's help....gethuman.com provides a list of touch-tone short cuts that get you straight through to the operator. No more telephone purgatory. When you need a problem-solving human on the other end of the phone, try these numbers and their short cuts. This is the best list I've seen for popular 800 numbers with real live humans at the other end, many of them 'mericans too. Even better are the voice mail short cuts for each number that take you to the warm brain on the other end the quickest. The list is searchable with cntrl-F, cheers!