John Carneys 101 tips for living

• You should never have to match your socks, other than to separate black from white; buy 18 pairs of identical socks in each color and throw them all out every six months.
• Pants with pleats get cuffs; pants without, do not.
• Avoid large faced watches if you have thin wrists.
• Sunglasses may only be worn indoors after 1 a.m.
• Carry around those small bottles of hand sanitizer and use some before you eat.
• Business casual was invented to prevent younger people from dressing better than their bosses. Rebel and wear a suit or jeans.
• If you need to put stuff in your hair to add shine or hold, you are washing your hair too often.
• Yes, you do have to floss.
• If you are handling a small baggy in a bathroom stall, face away from the open toilet and you will never drop it in there.
• When a friend calls after a drunken night, never say, “You were so funny.”
• Avoid staying out past midnight three nights in a row.
• You can ignore the three-night rule if something really good comes up on the third night.
• You will regret your tattoos.
• If you wear a baseball cap in bars, the girls will suspect you are bald.
• Go to more baseball games.
• Time is too short to do your own laundry.
• When the bartender asks, you should already know what you are ordering.
• Learn how to speak before groups.
• An undershirt will prevent you from perspiring through your overshirt.
• Yes, you do have to go to the gym.
• Complaining about other people smoking makes you an ass.
• Stop talking about where you went to college.
• When people don’t invite you to parties, you really shouldn’t go.
• Sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
• You can ignore those rules about parties if it is a really, really good party.
• Drink plenty of coffee.
• People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
• When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
• Tip more than you should.
• If a book is too big to carry around comfortably, cut it up and carry the pages you can read.
• Yes, you do have to have your shoes shined.
• It’s okay to arrive late.
• You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.
• Do not spend very much money on sunglasses or umbrellas. You will lose them quickly.
• Do thirty-push ups before you shower each morning.
• Eat brunch with friends every other weekend.
• Be a regular at a bar.
• Read more. And not just biographies.
• If her friends hate you, it’s over.
• A glass of wine with lunch will not ruin your day.
• It’s better if old men cut your hair. They should charge less than $20.
• If you smoke pot, you probably smoke too much.
• Learn how to fly-fish.
• Ask for a salad instead of fries.
• Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them. Ask someone for an introduction.
• You cannot always make amends with people.
• Buy furniture that you think is too small for your apartment. It isn’t.
• Cobblers will save your shoes.
• Figure out what kind of knot you like in your ties and stick with it.
• The first round of drinks is on you.
• When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
• Hang your clothes up when you take them off.
• Except sweaters. Those get folded.
• Piercings are liabilities in fights.
• You’ll regret much more the things you didn’t do than the things you did.
• Do not buy the product insurance.
  Except for mobile phones. Always insure the phone.
• Celebrate mothers on Father’s Day, and fathers on Mother’s Day.
• You may remove your jacket and roll up your sleeves. The tie may not be loosened.
• It’s not that you’re unphotogenic. That’s just how you look.
• Do not use an electric razor.
• Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
• Keep rugs and carpets to a minimum.
• Carry a pocket knife.
• Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
• Subscribe to a small-circulation magazine.
• It should have a cork-screw. The knife. Not the magazine.
• One girlfriend is probably enough.
• After one day of hanging, your tie should be rolled and placed in a drawer.
• People will dance if the music is loud enough and the lights are dim enough. You should too.
• Throw parties. But don’t clean up during or after your party. Hire someone else to come do that the next day, which you’ll be spending somewhere else.
• You may only request one song from the DJ.
• Take pictures. One day it will be fun to laugh at them.
• When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them.
• And spend money to acquire their work.
• Sleep outdoors when you can.
• Your clothes do not match. They go together.
• Yes, you do have to buy her dinner.
• Staying angry is a waste of energy.
• Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
• Go to the theater.
• Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
• Ask cab drivers not to speak on the phone.
• When the bouncer says it’s time for you to leave, it is.
• Do not make a second date while you are still on your first.
• Avoid the “last” glass of whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
• If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid very loud clubs.
• Drink outdoors.
• Drink during the day.
• Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
• If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
• You should probably walk away anyway.
• See more bands than you have been recently.
• You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
• Place-dropping is worse than name dropping.
• The New Yorker is not a high-brow magazine.
• You aren’t really a great DJ. Those people are dancing because they are drunk.
• Don’t let that discourage you. If they’re having fun, you are doing your job.
• If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
• No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
• Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can eat at the bar.
• Get out of the city every now and then.
• The parties you miss won’t miss you. And you won’t really miss them either.
• Never date an ex of your friend.