John Carneys 101 tips for living

• You should never have to match your socks, other than to separate black from white; buy 18 pairs of identical socks in each color and throw them all out every six months.
• Pants with pleats get cuffs; pants without, do not.
• Avoid large faced watches if you have thin wrists.
• Sunglasses may only be worn indoors after 1 a.m.
• Carry around those small bottles of hand sanitizer and use some before you eat.
• Business casual was invented to prevent younger people from dressing better than their bosses. Rebel and wear a suit or jeans.
• If you need to put stuff in your hair to add shine or hold, you are washing your hair too often.
• Yes, you do have to floss.
• If you are handling a small baggy in a bathroom stall, face away from the open toilet and you will never drop it in there.
• When a friend calls after a drunken night, never say, “You were so funny.”
• Avoid staying out past midnight three nights in a row.
• You can ignore the three-night rule if something really good comes up on the third night.
• You will regret your tattoos.
• If you wear a baseball cap in bars, the girls will suspect you are bald.
• Go to more baseball games.
• Time is too short to do your own laundry.
• When the bartender asks, you should already know what you are ordering.
• Learn how to speak before groups.
• An undershirt will prevent you from perspiring through your overshirt.
• Yes, you do have to go to the gym.
• Complaining about other people smoking makes you an ass.
• Stop talking about where you went to college.
• When people don’t invite you to parties, you really shouldn’t go.
• Sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
• You can ignore those rules about parties if it is a really, really good party.
• Drink plenty of coffee.
• People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
• When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
• Tip more than you should.
• If a book is too big to carry around comfortably, cut it up and carry the pages you can read.
• Yes, you do have to have your shoes shined.
• It’s okay to arrive late.
• You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.
• Do not spend very much money on sunglasses or umbrellas. You will lose them quickly.
• Do thirty-push ups before you shower each morning.
• Eat brunch with friends every other weekend.
• Be a regular at a bar.
• Read more. And not just biographies.
• If her friends hate you, it’s over.
• A glass of wine with lunch will not ruin your day.
• It’s better if old men cut your hair. They should charge less than $20.
• If you smoke pot, you probably smoke too much.
• Learn how to fly-fish.
• Ask for a salad instead of fries.
• Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them. Ask someone for an introduction.
• You cannot always make amends with people.
• Buy furniture that you think is too small for your apartment. It isn’t.
• Cobblers will save your shoes.
• Figure out what kind of knot you like in your ties and stick with it.
• The first round of drinks is on you.
• When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
• Hang your clothes up when you take them off.
• Except sweaters. Those get folded.
• Piercings are liabilities in fights.
• You’ll regret much more the things you didn’t do than the things you did.
• Do not buy the product insurance.
  Except for mobile phones. Always insure the phone.
• Celebrate mothers on Father’s Day, and fathers on Mother’s Day.
• You may remove your jacket and roll up your sleeves. The tie may not be loosened.
• It’s not that you’re unphotogenic. That’s just how you look.
• Do not use an electric razor.
• Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
• Keep rugs and carpets to a minimum.
• Carry a pocket knife.
• Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
• Subscribe to a small-circulation magazine.
• It should have a cork-screw. The knife. Not the magazine.
• One girlfriend is probably enough.
• After one day of hanging, your tie should be rolled and placed in a drawer.
• People will dance if the music is loud enough and the lights are dim enough. You should too.
• Throw parties. But don’t clean up during or after your party. Hire someone else to come do that the next day, which you’ll be spending somewhere else.
• You may only request one song from the DJ.
• Take pictures. One day it will be fun to laugh at them.
• When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them.
• And spend money to acquire their work.
• Sleep outdoors when you can.
• Your clothes do not match. They go together.
• Yes, you do have to buy her dinner.
• Staying angry is a waste of energy.
• Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
• Go to the theater.
• Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
• Ask cab drivers not to speak on the phone.
• When the bouncer says it’s time for you to leave, it is.
• Do not make a second date while you are still on your first.
• Avoid the “last” glass of whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
• If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid very loud clubs.
• Drink outdoors.
• Drink during the day.
• Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
• If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
• You should probably walk away anyway.
• See more bands than you have been recently.
• You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
• Place-dropping is worse than name dropping.
• The New Yorker is not a high-brow magazine.
• You aren’t really a great DJ. Those people are dancing because they are drunk.
• Don’t let that discourage you. If they’re having fun, you are doing your job.
• If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
• No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
• Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can eat at the bar.
• Get out of the city every now and then.
• The parties you miss won’t miss you. And you won’t really miss them either.
• Never date an ex of your friend.

Reclaiming the porch

My wife and I have a punch list a mile long. The remodel has taken its toll on us both physically as well as financially. The momentum has slowed over the winter, but with the mild weather we have experienced recently we thought we would refocus our efforts to the outdoor spaces. Our grounds are really nice, with mature indigenous plantings covering most of the lot. We have camellias, azaleas, hydrangeas, jasmine and honeysuckle growing everywhere. Wisteria covers the entire canopy. We also have the largest Sycamore tree in town, as well as several Live Oaks, a Bald Cyprus, and two huge Magnolia trees. And in keeping with the Carolina tradition, we have a nice Palmetto tree out back. Since we converted the garage into our office space, all of those things you might normally find in ones garage have resided on our screen porch… for two years.

The screen porch was one of the biggest attractions for us when we purchased the property, but with no real storage alternatives we have yet to enjoy it. Our lawn tools have been rusting under the eaves of the house and I kept a large galvanized tub over my mower. The kid’s bikes have long since been consumed by the elements. Our goal has been to create some storage and reclaim our screen porch. As soon as I had saved enough money I began researching shed plans, but my initial idea of building my own storage shed was overruled by my wife who argued that it would take me the entire summer to complete. She insisted we could have it finished in a weekend for just a few hundred dollars more if we opted to purchase it from one of the home centers. I feared that the campy barn designs would not fit the character of our home but was pleasantly surprised to find a nice boathouse design complete with a cupola and weather vane. Not custom built, but considerably more character than that of the ubiquitous Dutch barn.

She was right; they finished the shed in one day. We painted it to match the house, which incidentally, took longer than it did to build. I completely filled the 8’x12’ structure and still had more stuff on the porch, so I decided to build a small lean-to garden shed. I planned it to fit a 4’x 8’ footprint, so laying it out was simple. I framed and sheathed it in one day. We took Sunday off to attend the Blessing of the Fleet at Alhambra Hall, the annual Shrimp Season kickoff in Mt Pleasant. We met up with friends and had a great time. The weather was nice and the breeze coming in off the harbor kept the heat bearable. When we got home, I still had a few hours of daylight left, so I went ahead and shingled the roof. Although somewhat inebriated, I still managed to finish it up without falling off the structure or shooting a nail through any of my exposed digits.